All Guns Blazing: The real culprit behind Arsenal’s injury crisis

Arsenal's Laurent Koscielny is treated on the pitch after picking up an injury

Arsenal's Laurent Koscielny is treated on the pitch after picking up an injury - Credit: EMPICS Sport

It is set to be another season of frustration for Arsenal supporters. However, we can only hope this bitter brew we now sip will shortly have a half a pound of Saccharine dumped into it courtesy of a nice shiny FA Cup.

Yet we Gooners aren’t waiting till the end of the season to start giving our final opinions. Sure, it’s conventional to wait until the body is dead to start the autopsy, but we prefer to jog alongside the ambulance, scalpel in one hand while trying to assess how we went from leading the league for almost 130 days to fighting off Everton for fourth. How indeed?

It doesn’t take Agatha Christie glaring accusingly around the conservatory to identify the chief suspect for the murder of Arsenal’s season. “It was… General Injuries what done them all in.”

This season has been as bloody as Kill Bill. Theo’s knee, Ox’s knee, the faulty musculature of Ramsey and then Ozil and then Ramsey again before he even got back. And Jack’s foot (the good one.) Poldi missed half a season. Cazorla took forever till he got a few games with Ozil before handing him over the injury baton. And on, and on.

We’ve heard every theory under the sun as to why Arsenal leaves an injury trail rivalling the scale of the slaughter from Napoleon’s retreat from Russia, but I just don’t buy that a manager as smart and scientific as Wenger isn’t employing best practices over at Colney. And so this leaves me and Agatha with only one other possible perpetrator – that it was the Baron! Baron von Munchausen, that is.

Yes, Arsene is suffering from Munchausen by Proxy.

Ridiculous, you say? Well, just read the description of this pernicious illness:

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“This syndrome almost always involves a parent seeking unneeded medical attention for the child. Faking symptoms of illness, falsifying fevers, or using other tricks to make the child appear or become ill suffering through unnecessary tests, surgeries, or other uncomfortable procedures.”

Remind you of anyone? Or any players? I thought so.

“The parent is usually very helpful in the hospital setting and is often appreciated by the nursing staff for the care she gives her child…seen as devoted and self-sacrificing…changes in the condition are almost never witnessed by hospital staff and almost always occur only in the parent’s presence.”

He will be out for 3 weeks. Or forever.

“Munchausen syndrome occurs because of psychological problems in the adult, and is generally an attention-seeking behavior. The syndrome can be life-threatening.”

Run for your life, Abou Diaby. It’s chilling to read and suddenly all so clear...

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