Wife now prefers job to me

Before we got married, four years ago, my wife was hot, hot, hot. In fact some of my friends warned me that she had such a reputation that I should steer clear of her. But I loved the way she put heart and soul into everything, especially the bedroom, or wherever.

Four years down the line she’s a changed woman. She got a promotion at work, I got laid off from my sports’ training job, and suddenly she’s Mrs Career. All she talks about is work.

It’s like she was once addicted to sex and now she’s addicted to being successful. Sometimes I don’t see her for days, because she’s off on a course, or working in another part of the area, as she’s now area manager. She expects me to clean up the house and do the washing, because, as she never stops reminding me, I’m out of work.

Every day I apply for more jobs. Every day I hear nothing except: No. I just want a hug, a cuddle and some good clean fun to cheer me up, but she’s not on my wavelength at all. It’s like cuddling up to an industrial freezer.

She does let me make love to her, but that’s about it. She lets me, as if it’s some kind of chore. She just lies there, then turns over and goes to sleep, and never makes any move on me. It’s so hard to take.

I know that I’m not of interest to her, and there’ve been times when I’ve wondered if she’s got someone else, but I doubt it. She’s married to her job, the mobile phone and the laptop. She never stops setting up meetings, setting targets, making decisions. She just about manages to switch off her business head at 10, and goes right up to bed.

She never even asks me if I’m coming to bed, too. Sometimes I just sit in the chair watching television and dozing all night. This isn’t how it should be. I asked her if she wanted a divorce, and she just said, ‘Why would I want that?’ as if it’s never occurred to her that we’ve got problems. Can you help me out of this?

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Barbara says: Both of you need help, but I think, as you’ve sort of noticed, that it’s because you’re out of work that it looks so bleak. You need her more just when she needs you less. If you were both committed to a career, this type of sex life would be “normal”. So try to get a part-time job, do some volunteering.

With a sports’ skill you’d be in demand. Or think about becoming self-employed. It’s a lot better than getting told No.

What you need to do is to find an activity outside the home, so you’re not brooding all day about sex and love. And yes, I know, finding work is like looking for a diamond in dung, these days. It’s tough times. Voluntary work may be the start to finding an answer.